the other m word

So almost seven years later and kemper and I are still afraid of the m word. What m word?...oh you know the one. It breeds fear into the hearts of most men and a lot of women these days. Guess it is consequence of growing up in two very different, yet very similar homes ran by single mothers.

The idea of marriage is an interesting one. A ceremony, a big party, being bound together for "eternity," or until someone gains the courage to file for divorce. Funny thing is why are we so scared of marriage when there is always such an easy way out? I know why I am. I've never really had a role model for a successful relationship. My mother had one failed marriage, one horrific boyfriend, and one failed lesbian relationship (that was probably the most successful relationship I had seen up to then, but then it also failed miserably). Kemper's history is not as colorful, but his mother never had any intention of marrying anyone... He does have his grandparents marriage, but we both have the sneaking fear that it, like most marriages of its time, might have been one of convienance, not of real love.


This whole idea seems to be something that I need kemper for. He was the one that convinced me into this relationship to begin with (not that i didn't want it, but i was not comfortable with the idea of it at all). He really did convince me, the 17 year-old committmentphobe, that the whole 'title' thing wasn't so bad and that it was all kind of irrelevant. What was relevant was that he loved me and wanted to be with me. I really need him to have confidence about this m-word thing also. My indecisiveness is definately rearing its ugly head for this one.

I do feel at ease when I'm talking to Tay or Ck about it. It's scary, even for ck and joe. That at least comforts me because those two have so many positive marriages around them. I'm hoping that our fears are justified, maybe it's because we've all been raised in a 'oh if doesn't work out just get divorced' environment, we all really want something that works. I'm definately a one marriage kind of girl, if it doesn't work out then i'm done with it. I'm not particularly sure where tay's fears come from. I mean I know that her parents whole situation scarred her and devin's situation is obviously no better. It's so strange that we spend so long distancing ourselves from our parents, trying to become our own person, but still the choices and mistakes they make shape us in such a profound way.

I guess what does appeal to me about the m-word is the planning and organization. Kemper and I have told everyone including ourselves that we are ready to get married, but we just don't have the money. Clever enough, until we do have the money (which actually might be much sooner rather than later). Tay tried to convince me to have a double eloping somewhere awesome. I'm not at all opposed, actually. I could really go either way. There would be things I regretted either way. I feel like no matter what there would always be (whether you eloped or had a huge wedding) things you wished could have went this way or that. With eloping I might wish that my family and friends could have been there. With a big wedding my nerves could lose it and I would wish that I just made it something little and special between kemp and i.


Either way the wedding planning seems to be the most fun. Since Kristin decided she needed to plan a wedding for me, my mind has wondered to the planning. I hate to admit it, but on days I'm bored and there is a Whose Wedding is it Anyway? marathon on, I like to go on http://www.theknot.com/ or research wedding locations. My fears are easily hidden when we are talking about organizing and planning an event, not talking about the bonds of marriage. After all a wedding is just a big party, right?

The website, theknot, is actually really great. There are lots of pictures for ideas, and different sections on any and all things weddings, including rings (hmm...blood diamonds, anyone?), cakes, hairstyles, dresses, etc. My big thing has been the budget though. Hard to even think about a wedding without a budget. $5,000 seems to be a reasonable number for me, but it is definately on the low, low side. I've found budget percentages for a wedding for that amount. I think that I could be low-maintenance enough for that.


I actually have a favorites folder with wedding stuff, some rings, mostly vintage with a sapphire stone, dresses, and a location. It's so funny. It so feels a bit like girl porn. If kemper ever comes home I feel like I should be ashamed. I know, i know...dating for seven years, but researching weddings online is my dirty, little secret. I know girls that do this and they don't even have boyfriends. Now that is some scary stuff.

Currently, from my latest binge of wedding researching, I'm thinking either Falls Park in Greenville, http://www.greenvillesc.gov/city_services/shelters/falls/falls_river-oldmill.asp, or the Black Mountain/Asheville, NC area. I really like the idea of Falls Park because it's within walking distance of downtown greenville. But NC definately holds a bit more meaning for kemp and i.

But I have more pressing things to worry about for now. Job hunting, packing and moving, unpacking and organizing, oh the never ending list of what I have to do. And then after all that making sure we keep the house. Wish me luck...maybe I should have named this blog neverending beginnings...