life as i know it...

So apparently I need to get back into my list making, life planning, organizing habits.  I've lost lots of myself already since finding out about the little person sharing my torso.  Well that is a slight lie.  I have, for the first time in my life, quit doing everything to avoid doing anything to do with the baby, specifically planning for its arrival and subsequent life with me and him and shady and newly acquired papi. 

  I've gotten pretty frustrated with my work life and career prospects.  I miss writing.  I had big plans for documenting my pregnancy for the baby, but I was so tired at first...not to mention horrified that I just abandoned everything, but eating and cuddling with my boy.  I mean I have such a great idea/plan for a book...ironically that has started to become my real life.  I swear sometimes I'm pyschic or maybe I just fantasize about the worst and sometimes it just happens to be where my life is going. 

  But anyway...list making.  I need to make some new year's resolutions...and yes I know it's only dec 18, but it's never to early.  Ok here goes....

New Year's Resolutions (brainstorming sesh)
1.  Eat healthier (which includes veg dinners and eating grass fed, local poultry, pork, and beef only). 
2.  Get ready for baby:  birth plan, nursery, birthing classes, list of needed baby stuff, etc.
3.  Write more.  Better.  Often. 
4.  Attempt to freelance... http://www.freelancewritinggigs.com/
5.  Start on book...see how it goes.
6.  Read more.
7.  Take a trip with kemp to some place fun.
8.  Save, save, and save.
9.  Take control of debt.  http://cgi.money.cnn.com/tools/debtplanner/debtplanner.jsp
10.  Ask for help when I need it.

Not bad for a first draft....and yes I really missed my list making. 

blog 2.0

So I've neglected my original blog for my baby blog....and I'm pretty sure somehow in about 5 months I'll probably be saying the same thing about about my life v. the baby.  But if you are interested in the whole baby business please follow my pregnancy blog at http://www.soamiglowingyet.blogspot.com/.  I'll try to keep this one a little more up-to-date, but it seems like all I really have to talk about these days is the baby....

I'm not ready...

Just as I was getting comfy dealing with a few years back home...I had some pretty startling revelations. Don't get me wrong, besides disliking my job (most of the time) and not having a lot of prospects for a better one, being home has not been so bad. But the prospect of staying here for 20 years makes me want to vomit...and on that subject...I found out I was pregnant almost two weeks ago.

Pregnant. I was somewhere between four and six weeks (don't ask...conception is a confusing thing apparently...even to medical professionals) when I found out. I think I should be around seven now. And yes I found out basically on my seven year anniversary. I've definately had some pretty conflicting thoughts on what to do next. But as Taylor says, "Why waste a perfectly good baby."

So I'm still working at a pretty gay job. I'm definately not going to tell them until I figure out if they are going to make me full time or not. If not...god only knows. I had a good four year plan...Now I barely have a four minute plan. But I know that I still want to go to grad school and fate willing I'll be able to. We still want to move to Cali too....and the baby will be three by then so I think we will be fine.

I really want to explore some part-time job options for post-pregnancy (around the end of May). I would of course really love to write. Maybe the whole pregnancy baby thing could open up some freelance things.

Anywho hopefully I can write more on this blog, or at least a bit more regularly and I'm also thinking of doing a pregnancy blog...maybe call it I need more than 9 months to be ready!

I suppose even though I generally feel like I'm insane and I'm going to vomit my brains out, everything does happen for a reason. This baby, boy or girl, will be loved by two parents who deeply love each other. We may not be ready, but hopefully we'll figure it out...we've gotten this far.

Here and there...but mostly here.

So we are actually here, in the shoals. It is official, I am one of those people. And it is so very true, you can never go home again, but this is something like home and for that I am thankful. It is good to be around old friends. I'm not saying that I haven't had a panic attack or two by thinking "I'm gonna be here for the rest of my life, oh my god," but I am working on it.

I do have a plan to get outta here. I am pretty sure I'm gonna start grad school in a year. The more I research the more I really want to get my Masters in Social Work. It just seems like that is what I'm supposed to do. It opens up a world of possibility in a field that I really want to be in. So I'm on a four year plan...hopefully after I finish my three years in grad school we can move to Cali. And maybe, just maybe we will move to Cali as a 3 year long double date...but we'll see if the unmovable's will actually go to Cali with us.

I have to say I seriously fucked something up with kemper and I. We were having a lot of problems. I feel like I think and analyze my way into major issues in our relationship. For the last six weeks we were fighting pretty hardcore. But I thought and analyzed our way back into a good place. I seriously have to work on just enjoying my life and love in the place that it is. I do not need to worry or pressure myself or my relationship into another place or phase. I'm happy where I am for now. When it is time to do something different, I will know it and we will know it.

I'm working, trying to be healthy (a joint endeavor for tay and i), planning for the future (both financially and in my career) and enjoying my life exactly where it is.

And for now I'm pretty happy.

how not to blog.

I gotta remember to write short blog posts. I'm getting sleepy reading my own posts. gah.

really...

It's tuesday and I'm already exhausted. Work is crazy as always, but I'm proud that I'm really learning. I found out today that Neesha is leaving BGCTA and now I feel significantly better about our decision.



Exhaustion is currently mixing with a bit of lonesomeness. It's so odd that for so long I tried to be the most independent and i have fell in it like everyone else. I guess I am glad to be back in this stage of my relationship again. It definately beats fighting all the time, but being this in deeply in love is not exactly comfortable for me. I enjoy control, this is the opposite of control. Kemper has only been gone for two days and just want him to be back. I can't write about this and not feel gay so it's got to stop.



I'm making a purposeful point of trying to write more and trying to push myself out of my comfort zone. I am doing it in my professional life ( I went to a fundraising meeting for Neesha with complete strangers, dealing with something that I was completely out of the loop on and I did really well). So more writing, I think, will eventually make better writing.

the other m word

So almost seven years later and kemper and I are still afraid of the m word. What m word?...oh you know the one. It breeds fear into the hearts of most men and a lot of women these days. Guess it is consequence of growing up in two very different, yet very similar homes ran by single mothers.

The idea of marriage is an interesting one. A ceremony, a big party, being bound together for "eternity," or until someone gains the courage to file for divorce. Funny thing is why are we so scared of marriage when there is always such an easy way out? I know why I am. I've never really had a role model for a successful relationship. My mother had one failed marriage, one horrific boyfriend, and one failed lesbian relationship (that was probably the most successful relationship I had seen up to then, but then it also failed miserably). Kemper's history is not as colorful, but his mother never had any intention of marrying anyone... He does have his grandparents marriage, but we both have the sneaking fear that it, like most marriages of its time, might have been one of convienance, not of real love.


This whole idea seems to be something that I need kemper for. He was the one that convinced me into this relationship to begin with (not that i didn't want it, but i was not comfortable with the idea of it at all). He really did convince me, the 17 year-old committmentphobe, that the whole 'title' thing wasn't so bad and that it was all kind of irrelevant. What was relevant was that he loved me and wanted to be with me. I really need him to have confidence about this m-word thing also. My indecisiveness is definately rearing its ugly head for this one.

I do feel at ease when I'm talking to Tay or Ck about it. It's scary, even for ck and joe. That at least comforts me because those two have so many positive marriages around them. I'm hoping that our fears are justified, maybe it's because we've all been raised in a 'oh if doesn't work out just get divorced' environment, we all really want something that works. I'm definately a one marriage kind of girl, if it doesn't work out then i'm done with it. I'm not particularly sure where tay's fears come from. I mean I know that her parents whole situation scarred her and devin's situation is obviously no better. It's so strange that we spend so long distancing ourselves from our parents, trying to become our own person, but still the choices and mistakes they make shape us in such a profound way.

I guess what does appeal to me about the m-word is the planning and organization. Kemper and I have told everyone including ourselves that we are ready to get married, but we just don't have the money. Clever enough, until we do have the money (which actually might be much sooner rather than later). Tay tried to convince me to have a double eloping somewhere awesome. I'm not at all opposed, actually. I could really go either way. There would be things I regretted either way. I feel like no matter what there would always be (whether you eloped or had a huge wedding) things you wished could have went this way or that. With eloping I might wish that my family and friends could have been there. With a big wedding my nerves could lose it and I would wish that I just made it something little and special between kemp and i.


Either way the wedding planning seems to be the most fun. Since Kristin decided she needed to plan a wedding for me, my mind has wondered to the planning. I hate to admit it, but on days I'm bored and there is a Whose Wedding is it Anyway? marathon on, I like to go on http://www.theknot.com/ or research wedding locations. My fears are easily hidden when we are talking about organizing and planning an event, not talking about the bonds of marriage. After all a wedding is just a big party, right?

The website, theknot, is actually really great. There are lots of pictures for ideas, and different sections on any and all things weddings, including rings (hmm...blood diamonds, anyone?), cakes, hairstyles, dresses, etc. My big thing has been the budget though. Hard to even think about a wedding without a budget. $5,000 seems to be a reasonable number for me, but it is definately on the low, low side. I've found budget percentages for a wedding for that amount. I think that I could be low-maintenance enough for that.


I actually have a favorites folder with wedding stuff, some rings, mostly vintage with a sapphire stone, dresses, and a location. It's so funny. It so feels a bit like girl porn. If kemper ever comes home I feel like I should be ashamed. I know, i know...dating for seven years, but researching weddings online is my dirty, little secret. I know girls that do this and they don't even have boyfriends. Now that is some scary stuff.

Currently, from my latest binge of wedding researching, I'm thinking either Falls Park in Greenville, http://www.greenvillesc.gov/city_services/shelters/falls/falls_river-oldmill.asp, or the Black Mountain/Asheville, NC area. I really like the idea of Falls Park because it's within walking distance of downtown greenville. But NC definately holds a bit more meaning for kemp and i.

But I have more pressing things to worry about for now. Job hunting, packing and moving, unpacking and organizing, oh the never ending list of what I have to do. And then after all that making sure we keep the house. Wish me luck...maybe I should have named this blog neverending beginnings...

Three Weeks Until M-Day

Ironically enough the color of the titles on my blog are the exact color of my future bedroom walls. Hmm... Well the date is getting closer and closer. I'm getting very nervous. I'm still less a job, but guess I'm not alone. I do have a job for three more weeks though. Hopefully I'll be able to save enough money to stay afloat for a while.

Kemper did land a interview at Lander. I hope Taylor + him are convincing enough for him to land this job. He would be absolutely perfect for it. Selling Lander, travelling around talking to high school kids and he is super cool (apparently it is a requirement for college recruiters). If he gets this job it will definately make me a lot less anxious. We can definately both live off of that salary for a few months.

So strange that we are working so hard to move somewhere we never thought we would

ever go back to. But it is all in the hopes of moving to Cali. Well I say that and I'm not sure if I even mean it. We definately wouldn't be moving back if not for Karen, but it is relieving to be moving home. I swear, and tell everyone this, my blood pressure actually goes down when I drive into the shoals.

Good thing is it's a great time to stop putting off things and start new projects. Now for better or for worse I have Fridays off. I can apply for jobs, call places, and schedule interviews on Friday if I need to, but I can also say goodbye. I've lived in Charleston for six years and although I'm not sad I'm leaving, I'll definately miss this place. I'm probably going to use Friday mornings to ride my bike around and take pictures, give Charleston a proper goodbye.

Hopefully at home, to keep boredom at bay, I can write more. I'm starting to feel like Brian from Family Guy with my conscious as Stewie..."what about that novel Brian? working on that novel Brian?..." I do have some good ideas, they just need to be fleshed out. I'm tired of being someone that just talks/thinks about the things they are going to do instead of doing them. I also need to finish my novelist book.

the color of change...

Can paint really make me forget about the death of my boyfriend’s mother? I’m not really sure, but I intend on trying. With the impending move-in date looming over my head I’m in a rush to pick out a paint color. Yes, we are moving home. Moving into my boyfriend’s mother’s house because she left it to him.

Currently the master bedroom in my house is an awful mauve. And I really mean awful. And yes I really said "my house." It’s not a neautral-ly mauve with peach undertones, but an awful 80s dark mauve that makes the fantastically sized bedroom look like a tiny dungeon.

I’m hoping that by changing the color of the bedroom from the big, bad mauve to a pretty vibrant green it will change the whole feel of the room. Mostly I’m just hoping that by painting it green I will be able to forget that a woman I deeply loved breathed in her last gasps of air staring at the mauve walls.

Moving home is stirring up all kinds of weirdness, not just because of my justified fear of the house. Home is a place with lots of mixed feelings. Home is somewhere that I know I can never truly go back to, but we are moving none-the-less.

Painting is happening this weekend. I know the house will become more and more ours and less and less Karen. But that process is both helpful and painful. Now on to Lowe's and the endless processes of packing and job hunting.

Ready for the world to change

It is only two weeks into the new year and I already feel like 2009 is going to be one of our greatest years yet.

It definitely started out in a very scary way. Losing my job pretty much rocked me, but I really looked at the bright side of it all. I'm so glad that all the therapy I went through really helped. Makes me believe in fate and that everything happens for a reason. 2008 was a pretty rough year through and through for me, but I would not appreciate the place I'm in now if not for dealing with that mess. I am a much stronger, less naive person for it. I'm really glad that it didn't make me lose hope in the world, if anything it renewed my passion for life, especially since I was so close to having my freedom taken away.

Seems like the country is getting a new start too. I'm so excited and hopeful for Obama and the future of my country. I'm so excited that I'm working at the Boys and Girls Club right now too. It is just so perfect that I get to experience this through the eyes of so many African-American children and to literally see the world opening up for them. Finally young men have someone to look up to that isn't a sports player or an entertainer. I mean Obama is the freaking president in less that 12 hours. It is such a great and exciting time to be alive.

I feel like everything I have learned and read up to now has helped me tremendously. Literally just thinking positively has saved me so much anxiety and heartache. I can be sad without it taking over anymore. I feel like I'm in such a great place.

I also have been reading quite a lot again. I finished three really good books and one of them has even inspired me to write my book. I'm definitely going to re-read it a few times because it is just very inspiring for my story I want to tell. I still need to figure out how to get all the missing parts to my family's sordid history. Or maybe I'll make up the stuff I don't know. I definitely want it to be pseudo-non-fiction. I need to re-read my Jonathon Safron Foer stuff, that is another big influence. I love the genre of meta-fiction, I think it would fit in perfectly.

I also read a very interesting article in the New York Times that talked about how Obama's book writing and an appetite for reading helped him become the great man that he is today (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/19/books/19read.html?em). This quote in particular really stuck with me “a larger, fundamental element of American life — the enduring belief that we can constantly remake ourselves to fit our larger dreams," Obama speaks of the connection between himself and Lincoln. It seems like Obama really found out what kind of man he was by writing about himself and his family, I'd really like to do that also. I think it might help me in similar ways just to grow up and move beyond the trappings of a disastrous childhood.

I've started several blogs, but never really been into them. Hopefully I will take heed to my own advice. I need to live the life that I have dreamed of. I already partly am. I get to work for a fantastic non-profit organization and I get to have say in pretty much everything we do at the Mt. P unit. It is just awesome. I want to be a writer. I know that I can do these things. And for once I can say, pretty much everyday, that I can't wait for tomorrow because it is going to be a great day!

Adios for now...